女权在线－女权主义者的集结地

http://sexualhealth.com/article/read/love-relationships/alternative-erotic-orientations/529/

Nobody knows exactly how many transgender or transsexual people live in the world today. Yet, based on estimates, there is a good chance someone you know quite well is one of them. Maybe you have a co-worker or friend who is harboring a secret that you’re completely unaware of; maybe their "difference" is something you both have an unspoken agreement to ignore. Or, maybe someone has come out to you already.

The term "transgender" includes anyone whose gender identity or personal sense of their sex is at variance with the sex they were assigned at birth. Many transgendered people feel so strongly that they are in the "wrong" body that they consider changing those physical characteristics. In many instances, this process – known as "transition" – involves taking hormones and undergoing multiple surgeries.

For transgender individuals and their loved ones, transition can be an emotionally, physically, and financially draining process that takes many years to achieve. During that time, transsexuals may become the butt of jokes, insults, misunderstanding, rejection, discrimination and even violence. However, when friends and family members are willing to embrace them, respect their decision, and support their transition, the sense of being loved and cared for can transform potentially nightmarish difficulties into a set of surmountable challenges.

How do you support someone as they change their sex, especially if hardly you comprehend or even approve of their decision? Should you put your own feelings on the back burner and place theirs front and center? And even if you’re willing, how do you go about supporting them in a way that’s meaningful?

In answering these questions, I’ll address them as a therapist who has worked with men and women in the throes of transition and afterward. However, I will also bring to the issue a more personal experience that probably taught me the most about this process. Some years ago, a close friend told me that she was going to begin transitioning – which meant taking male hormones, having a double mastectomy, a hysterectomy and numerous genital surgeries. She asked me to help her in her recovery from the first two surgeries, and I agreed. I had some strong reactions, though – despite my professional experience. For me, the very idea of choosing to excise the parts that defined "our" womanhood left me queasy, and I had to keep reminding myself that my friend was getting rid of extraneous organs that felt alien to her... well, actually, to him. I tried to imagine what it might have been like to be born with, say, a tail and horns, while every other person I knew was free of these appendages. For my friend, breasts and female reproductive organs were like horns that screamed-out to be cut away.

The experience of being close to someone who transitioned from female to male was both eye-opening and sad for me. It also made my work with transgender people and their loved ones much more authentic – and, hopefully, will make this article much richer. While a short piece like this can only scratch the surface of what you need to know, if someone you care about is transgender and about to transition, I hope these suggestions will be valuable to both of you.

Step #1 – Educate yourself Please understand that nobody would put themselves through the upheaval, pain and expense of sex reassignment unless they feel it is the only way to feel whole. Whether your friend or loved one (I’ll use "f/lo" for short) is a male-to-female transsexual (mtf) or a female-to-male transsexual (ftm), it’s important for you to learn as much as you can about their condition, the transition process, the effects of the hormones they’ll be taking and the surgeries they may be planning. This lets them know that you care enough to spend your time and energy on matters that will be defining their life for many years to come. At the bottom of this article I’ll provide some references to give you a good start.

Step #2 – Be diligent about respecting new names and pronouns For a transsexual person, choosing a new name that reflects his or her true self is a deeply meaningful, symbolic act – almost like a self-christening or a self-determined rebirth. Hearing that new name spoken by people who knew him/her prior to transition is like hearing acknowledgement and acceptance in every syllable. Using the "new" pronoun carries the same weight. If your sister, Mary, has become "Brian," hearing you use Brian and "he" consistently, and hearing you say "my brother, Brian" without stumbling or hesitating, is a concrete and actual way of conveying that you love and accept him. There is nothing more confusing and, sometimes, even hostile or passive-aggressive, than saying in one breath, "I support what you’re doing," and in the other, making sure Brian hears you referring to him as "my sister" or as "she." The exception to this is when Brian has asked that you not share information about his transition with others who knew Mary. Temporarily, using the names and pronouns they are accustomed to hearing is fine. The point to remember is that respecting your f/lo means that the decision to use a certain name or pronoun is theirs, not yours.

Maintaining discretion about a person in transition until they are ready to go public is part of showing respect and lending support. Similarly, you would never introduce Brian as "my transsexual brother!" even to those who are privy to his status. That’s like saying, "this is my brother, Tom – the one with two ex-wives."

Embracing a new identity with some, and an old identity with others, can be confusing and difficult. That still doesn’t give you an excuse become lazy about getting it right. And if someone else refers to Brian as "she," or to a transitioning woman as "he," the trick is not to be lulled into following suit. Rather than allowing others to lead the pronoun dance, you can respond using correct references until they get the hint. Remember that the difficulty of keeping names and pronouns straight is but a tiny taste of the complexity of living in transition.

Step #3 – Accept that your loved one’s personality may undergo a change Sex reassignment is highly dependent on the effects of hormone therapy. Ftm’s receive powerful doses of male hormones and may decide to have complete hysterectomies, stunting production of female hormones. Mtf’s receive high doses of female hormones and other medications which reduce production of testosterone prior to genital sex reassignment surgery. Hormonally, they become the other sex – and their emotions and personalities reflect those changes – long before their bodies complete transitioning from one state to another.

The shift in emotional and thought processes that can occur during transition are startling, fascinating – and sometimes thoroughly upsetting. If you’ve ever wondered how much impact our hormones have on our personalities, or if you’ve seriously considered the proposition that gender is merely a social construction, spend a year with an ftm or mtf undergoing hormone therapy. You’ll see that the impact is nothing short of transformational. If the trans-person is your f/lo, you might find that one day your "old" pal is there as always...and then, poof!...it seems that one day she or he is gone. The shift can be so abrupt it may feel like a "pod person" has sprung up to replace your f/lo. While all their memories are intact, something unquantifiable changes, and part of what made her "her" or him "him" seems altered. Being prepared for this helps. Still, there is no way of preparing for the emotional effect this may have on you.

Step #4 – Recognize that a loved one’s transition may feel like a loss to you, even if you genuinely support them The effects of personality transformation on family and friends are possibly the least addressed aspect of gender reassignment, yet are the source of many troubles within relationships. Estrangements from loved ones that the transsexual attributes to others’ inability to accept their transition are often more about a f/lo having difficulty coping with a sudden personality shift. These stresses wear on everyone, especially when they come as a surprise. Anticipating that they do happen is the first step to coping with them.

In my personal situation, even though the friend who transitioned has been a fully functioning man for many years, I still sometimes miss the woman-friend who was once so much a part of my life. My new friend, the man who carries the history of our connection, is a wonderful friend – but he is not the same person, exactly. In the early stages of his transition tension between us seemed to erupt out of the blue and with sudden intensity. For him it was about acceptance, and for me it was about the little death that occurs when a person – not a gender – changes so radically that they seem to have been replaced. Even my clinical training didn’t spare me the hurt that so many people in these circumstances experience. Transformations produce frustration, confusion and painful losses for family and friends. These losses require acknowledgment and resolution. This brings me to the next step.

Step #5 – Deal with your own grief, loss and anger – but do NOT expect your loved one to "fix" or soothe your pain The hardest part of transition for friends and family is being left to face grief and loss all alone. Yet, if your pain doesn’t find an appropriate outlet, and if you don’t get support, the transitioning person can become the target of misdirected anger, and your sincere wish to be a loving support will backfire.

Your transitioning f/lo – the person with whom you may have shared many joys and achievements in the past – is now the source of a deep sorrow that he/she may be unable to grasp or sympathize with. After all, your sorrow is their joy. As your f/lo struggles to become more wholly her or himself, you’re struggling with losing the very part of him that had for so long made him feel anything BUT whole. I remember feeling horribly guilty about grieving the loss of my girlfriend as she disappeared more assuredly each day. While "he" was feeling stronger, more confident, more masculine, more real to himself than ever before, I was trying to connect with someone I hardly knew –except for the shared memories. Internally, I was working like a demon to keep from letting my own grief contaminate my new male friend who was struggling in his own way.

This is the point where many otherwise close relationships break down. The transitioning person feels discounted and marginalized while the f/lo feels that her grief is disregarded or disrespected; that her feelings must always be secondary to the transitioner’s. She may grow angry or accuse her trans-friend of being selfish or insensitive. Can the transitioner deal with these accusations without misreading their intent? Often, the answer is no. The transitioner sees the f/lo’s grief as evidence of conditional love and support – or of not being able to embrace the "real me."

This is the phase during transition when loved ones risk growing as far apart as it is possible to be. Things can’t get much worse than this – but if this stage is handled carefully, they can certainly get much better. Remember that the transitioning person is excruciatingly vulnerable, often expecting to see rejection, disgust, disdain in the eyes of others. Even yours. Her/his feelings and fears are sharp, fresh, and often extreme. In an ideal world everyone would walk on eggshells as they allow the transitioner to adjust. Well, talk about a world that is anything but ideal! Friends and family are at their most vulnerable and grief-stricken at this stage, too. There is only one way to ensure you can run this gauntlet without risking relationship destruction. Get support for yourself, and do it sooner, rather than later.

If you’re the f/lo of a transsexual, taking care of yourself is crucial. You can’t expect your trans-friend to do the nurturing, as he or she is doing their best to hold everything together while body, psyche, health, income, profession, and social relationships are spinning like a dozen dinner plates, each balanced on the tip of a stick.

Seek out support and sympathy from others who have been through this very experience. PFLAG – Parents and Friends of Gays, Lesbians and Transgenders (http://www.pflag.org) has both a transgender division and an online discussion list for friends and loved ones of transgender folk. I urge you to avail yourself of all their resources, including attending local chapter meetings and support groups. Also, consider speaking to a therapist who can help you through this time so that you can eventually embrace a new relationship with the friend who emerges from transition. No, the relationship won’t be quite the same as before; after all, your f/lo is not the same as before. Neither of you will be as you once were. But, if you have honored the old relationship by properly grieving its loss, and if you have honored the trans-person by making an effort to understand their trials, you can create a new relationship that is fresh, special, and worth cherishing every bit as much as before.

Resources International Foundation for Gender Education – http://www.ifge.org/ The Gender Center – http://www.gendercentre.org.au/trans_person.htm A list of worldwide TG Rights and Resource Organizations – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_transgender-rights_organizations Support & Resources for parents (and other loved ones) of Transgenders – http://www.transparentcy.org/Connections.htm

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